Latzer4Ever

The Shrek, a Valentine’s Dinner for 1 Special

Last Valentine’s day you got a text from a guy you were fucking saying he had crabs and you should probably get to the pharmacy asap for some special shampoo. A fucking text. Classy. This year couldn’t get any less romantic because that would be impossible. Yet you are still alone. Another sea of 365 days has passed with not even the smallest dinghy of love crossing the most distant horizon. There’s been a cock parade, of course, so many you’ve probably forgotten a few, but that’s hardly remarkable. Here’s to not having crabs this year and your HIV test from last week coming back negative. Important victories.

You’re empowered by your civil status, love is for suckers. Weaklings. Some of us came into this existence so resilient and powerful that an intimate partnership is encumbering. We are the strong.

This is your favorite sandwich, named for the romantic anti-hero, from the bodega on Metropolitan just past Union in Williamsburg. It contains no flesh. When you are a love solider of one born into a fully realized individual being, you know we can never be free while reigning superior over the flesh of other creatures. Unless they are crotch crabs, which are killed with burning shampoo. Or bacon. Man, this sandwich would be awesome with some crispy bacon. But not today.

Ingredients

- 2 slices of bread. Whole grain is always nice, but some Wonder will work in a pinch.
- Hummus.
- Baby Spinach washed and dried.
- 2 slices of tofu and something to marinade/flavor it with.
- 1 large clove of garlic
- One beautifully ripe avacado
- Salt
- Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Directions

Pop the bread in the toaster.

Do something with the tofu to give it some spice or flavor. I suggest mixing some almond meal, parmesan cheese and oregano together as a type of breading. Or you can just use “Italian style” breadcrumbs from the grocery store. Or a marinade will be nice. BBQ would probably work, even a soy-sauce/teriyaki prep. Whatever you have at hand in the moment. This isn’t brain surgery.

Pan sear the tofu with the olive oil or throw it in your easy-bake toaster oven. Just get it hot.

Your bread is toasted now and cool enough to touch. Cut the tip off the garlic clove. Rub the raw garlic on the bread. I’d use the whole clove for both pieces, but I love garlic. Because it’s raw it’s going to be powerful. Are you strong enough?

Drizzle some olive oil on the bread where you just rubbed the garlic. Don’t soak it, drizzle, like it were honey.

Lightly salt.

Spread the hummus on both pieces of bread.

You’re ready to build: first the prepared tofu, then a handful of baby spinach, then half the avocado thinly sliced, topped with the other piece of bread.

Voila, the Shrek. Serve with the other half of the avocado on the side and a can of PBR.

Think about how you’re going to get off later. As this is Valentine’s Day, the normal jerk-and-squirt isn’t going to do. No porn either. Tonight it has to be purely physical, no head games. Love yourself tonight, love yourself right.

Whiskey Fritter Brunch

Childhood memories can be bitter. Sometimes it’s been cold for months, the ground is frozen, the trees are gnarled and a hot day seems as far away as the top shelf when your legs have been hacked off at the knee.

Childhood memories can be sweet. Sometimes summer feels forever endless, and it’s all loud laughter, snapshots of joy and an affair with contentment.

Today is cold. Fucking cold. And ugly. You haven’t enough money to go to brunch with your friends; you haven’t enough money to get you through next week.

When you were small, before innocence was washed from you and delight was still easy, your mother sometimes made breakfast fritters, and that was enough. That is a happy memory. Let’s poke the coals of then for a little warmth now.

Ingredients

- 1 cup of all purpose flour
- 1 tsp baking power
- ¼ tsp salt
- 2 eggs
- 2 tsp sugar (optional)
- 2/3 cup milk
- 1 Tbsp butter
- Lots of vegetable oil
- 1 Bottle of whiskey
- 1 large shot glass

Directions

Pour two ounces of whiskey the shot glass, neat, and drink it.

Repeat step 1.

Hunger is less intense now as is the hurt.

Enjoy the blurring magic wand of whiskey on an empty stomach. It’s like a triumphant horns section rising above a dissonant orchestra.

Combine all dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl.

In a side dish, whip eggs into a frothy frenzy.

Add milk and eggs to the dry.

Mix together, no clumps.

Batter should be stiff and maintain form. Sounds lovely.

Repeat step 1

Repeat step 2

You should be listening to music by now, something upbeat and fun for the contrary will come soon enough.

Turn your back on the batter.

Fill a 2Qt saucepan 2/3 full with vegetable oil and place over medium heat.

When hot, it will start to make hollow popping sounds. It may be too hot. Turn the heat down a little. If it starts to smoke it’s definitely too hot and may at any moment explode into a giant ball of fire and permanently scar you. Well, at least the outside would match the inside.

Test the oil’s temperature by dropping a bit of batter in to see how it sizzles. You want a moderate fricassee, not too fast, not too slow, moderate consistency is what you’re shooting for. Boring, yes, I know, but that is the key, my friend.

When you’re kinda confident the oil is appropriately hot, take a soupspoon and begin to drop dollops of your future in the oil. Initially the wads will drop to the bottom, but very shortly, if the oil is hot enough, they will rise to the top and float.

You’ll want to make them big enough so that three or four fry comfortably without touching each other, or the sides and bottom of the pan.

When the bottom side is golden, flip. It’s fun to flip. How long has it been now? No one wants to flip with you these days.

Repeat step 1 at your discretion. Now might be good.

Continue the frying and flipping until all your batter is gone placing the almost-finished fritters on paper towels to cool a little.

Now, when you were a kid, little paper bags were a common kitchen supply. You would get three little paper bags out and put some sugar, powered sugar or cinnamon in each. When the fritters had cooled enough to touch, you would put one or two at a time in a bag, grasp the top tightly, and give it a good shake. (That was probably the best part for you, all that vigorous if not reckless shaking.) Figure out how to affect the same result with the toppings of your choice. Coconut sounds good.

Be warned: The frying, cooling and shaking process gets a little hectic, don’t ignore the oil while shaking and burn whatever fritters you might have still cooking. Maybe you should prepare the topping step after the batter is mixed and before the frying starts? I don’t know. It’s impossible to prepare for everything. Something always gets burned.

Ok. It’s all done and topped. Eat while warm. Greasy sweet fried batter is so good you’ll want to eat them all. Go for it. Drink more whiskey too. Stuff your hole, feel it in your cheeks.

This has been your brunch, this is your life.

I hope you turned off the stove, or maybe you’re ready to burn this bitch down.

Repeat step 1

Repeat step 2